It’s time for the last drinking game of the season (unless I do one for the draft) time to empty out the closet, and make sure you remember the results of the drinking game and possibly the series until fall when hockey starts up again.
Take One Drink:
You wish your local announce team were doing the game.
More than two players go crashing into the net.
Someone finishes a game with more than five shots and no goals.
Gary Bettman is shown and booed.
In game interview questions are answered with a cliche.
The hometown of a player is mentioned.
When asked about scoring a goal or making a save a player references a teammate.
The Junior or College team of a player is mentioned.
An exterior shot of the arena is shown and it includes people who are clearly chemically altered.
At each mention of “Original Six” in game one or two.
Someone mentions the department of player safety.
Whenever Pierre or another talking head says something that makes people just a bit uncomfortable. s/t @ChrisWasselTHW #HockeyPorn
If a fight breaks out with more than 4 million dollars in salary involved.
Take Two Drinks
The Bochenski-Versteeg trade is brought up.
Every time someone is mentioned as a Conn-Smythe candidate. s/t @HockeyMand
A team scores two unanswered goals.
At any mention of someone named Espisito or Orr.
A save is called “brilliant”, “spectacular” or “larceny” when in fact it was pretty routine.
Special teams stats are mentioned.
Highlights from the teams past Cup wins are shown not counting the last one.
A former player for either team is shown.
The other teams goal song sucks.
Someone scoring drought is mentioned.
An exterior shot of an arena is shown and no one (except maybe the commentators) is
You’re so mad at your team you want them to win only so you don’t have to read their Puck Daddy Eulogy.
A ny time a side by side comparison of Tuukka and Corey Crawford is shown. s/t @RJGreenWood
An announce uses the words “good clean hit” to describe something that turned most of one fan base into frothing mouth breathers that sound like Foamy (NSFW) :
Take Three Drinks
Every time one of the keystone players is mentioned.
The officials call one side of an altercation that should be a both or neither situation.
Someone “speculates” about the NHL awards for this season.
A player is asked about their previous playoff experience.
Two players on the same team skate into each other.
Anytime the word “momentum” is used.
At any puck over the glass delay of game.
The past awards of a player are mentioned.
Someone discusses rule changes.
The captains not having touched the conference title trophies is shown.
Any top six forward finishes a game with zero shots.
At any too many men penalty.
Take Four Drinks
If there is a post whistle scrum that does not involve Marchand or Shaw.
If NHL.com fails to make a punny headline for their update in game.
Gary Bettman is shown and not booed.
Someone says the referees have “swallowed the whistles” or otherwise won’t be calling much.
A coach or player says “we just need to be better in our own end” after a bad period or game.
At each mention of Original Six in game three or later.
A faceoff is missed for yet more advertising.
You can hold your breath between the bad call and the makeup call.
The fourth lines are mentioned.
If the career records of either coach are mentioned.
Whenever a clip of a game winning or cup clinching goal is shown.
The handshake line in mentioned and it is not a close out game.
Either team goes more than four minutes without a shot on goal.
Either team is called for three or unmatched penalties in a row.
Each time an owner is shown or mentioned before the Cup is awarded.
A player gets a short handed shot on goal.
Someone specifically highlights one of the matchups in the Keystone Players article.
Either team scores two powerplay goals in the same game.
A player argues with a call that was clearly a penalty.
For maximum fun, enjoy a different beverage each period. Calling in sick for work for the next day is advisable in some cases. It might not hurt to have a handy bucket and or a pre arranged ride to the hospital. Maybe you can even pin a “please take me to the hospital, and put on the hockey game” note on your shirt ahead of time.
No one is responsible for the stupid act you commit in any chemical state. Nor is anyone but you responsible for the permanent damage you’re likely to do to your body if you follow this game faithfully. This game might just be a spectacular way to end up on Tosh.O, Intervention or at least Texts From Last Night. If you really must blame someone, blame your parents they should have known better anyways. PuckSage, the NHL, NHLPA, The Bruins and Blackhawks take no responsibility for your actions, have a nice day.