Another top ten brought to you by the Axis Of Hockey: All Tattoos and animal rights, all the time call, tweet or text in now!

10: #NHLOfficials

9.85: Broken condoms

9: A double leg amputees track shoes.

8:  Belly button lint

7: Votes for Ralph Nader

6: Wishing a Kardashian a long marriage.

This top ten list (not) brought to you by Massachusetts Animal Rights Coalition!

5: Trying to convince people of your reasonable position by insulting them:

@ you're a dumbass! Ive never publicized my politics like TT. You can't force me to tell you bc I've never done it. R u that stupid?
@GreshandZo
Gresh & Zolak

4: Birth control in the second trimester.

3: Baby talking to animals.

2: TSA “security measures”.

1: Diatribes about being forced to talk about something by someone with no authority over you when you open your show.

1o: The clock didn’t fail, time was just outworked along the boards by Drew Doughty.

9: It wanted to see if not playing really did hurt worse than an injury.

8: It’s all part of Dean Lombardi’s plan to get Jeff Carter really cheap.

7: “I’m very into the universe, you know like how was created, you know, like, what is it, you know? Solar system is so humongous big, right? But if you see like our solar system and our galaxy on the side, you know, like, we’re so small you can never see it. Our galaxy is like huge, but if you see the big picture our galaxy (is) like a small tiny-like dot in the universe.”

6: Nail Yakupov’s already bought a condo in Columbus so he encouraged it to fail just on to be on the safe side.

5: It was waiting for Gauthier to complete a trade and pull someone off the ice.

4: It’s all part of an elaborate viral marketing plan by Staples to get “Staples Center” trending on Twitter.

3:  #Pennercakes

2:  The same people who designed the Kings powerplay worked on  the game clock.

1:  It was the clocks best chance to avoid having to sit through a shootout.

0.4:  The clock was never happy to be shipped out of it’s old city and it just needed time to adjust.

Since there’s no actual hockey to talk about until real hockey resumes Tuesday at 7pm et.

Zdeno Chara picked Jarome Iginla as part of an plot to get him into a Bruins uniform. With the trade deadline approaching and the Calgary Flames sitting on the outside looking in, this might just be part of the savvy Slovaks attempts to make his team the first to repeat in the salary cap era.

Marian Gaborik was clearly snubbing his countryman Zdeno Chara by walking to the wrong side of the stage. Is it hostility left over from the increasing rivalry between the Rangers and Bruins, or something even more personal?

Daniel Alfredsson picked all the Canucks, the first time All Star Scott Hartnell, and not one but two members of the Pittsburgh Penguins. While the Senators are currently in playoff position, all of those teams have to be considered stronger, was this his plan to get to know those locker rooms before asking for a trade?

The obvious reluctance shown to draft Milan Michalek and Tyler Seguin is indicative of rifts in both the Ottawa Senators and Boston Bruins teams that leave both captains wanting their younger teammates moved elsewhere.

Did Carey Price threaten to revisit his famous slobber knocker with Tim Tomas if they weren’t on the same team this year?

Was there collusion between the captains before the draft? There is clearly a split in the players that didn’t just occur accidentally. No one will ever get me to believe the near equal dispersal of redheads was just coincidence.

Alfredssons drafting of Daniel ahead of Henrik Sedin has sparked a three cornered feud between the two by reversing their NHL draft order and snubbing the center for the winger. Evidence of this can be seen by watching the replay where the brothers are never seen speaking to each other, even the other players commented on this.

The streams were crossed.

10: Your All Star selection is unfamiliar even to your fans.

9: Even Kourtney and Kim Kardashian think your roster has had too many men in it.

8: The biggest story of the week for 14 weeks running is the injury report

7: You went to the conference finals last year, get beat by the Carolina Hurricanes 5-2 in your own barn and it’s not even news.

6: You beat the Detroit Red Wings for the fourth time in a row and people point to that as a sign of a problem with a team that’s won more games at home than you have all season.

5: You look at the standings and wonder if maybe, just maybe Dustin Penner might help you score more goals.

4: You were last season’s NHL MVP and a guy who’s been playing in the NHL since before you were allowed to cross the street yourself has to decline and lobby on your behalf for you to get to the All Star game.

3: Your owner is already saying that injuries are the cause of your season turning out the way it is and is swearing your Coach and GM will have jobs all season.

2: Your fourth line is looking forward to getting all the extra time ice time against the Bruins once the game gets out of hand in the second period.

1a: Your general manager trades your best pure scorer between periods in a one goal game.

1b: Your teams broadcasters are already practicing pronouncing Nail Yakupov.

Zach Hamill: 1st NHL goal.

Brad Marchand: A tattoo artist who can spell.

Patrice Bergeron; For every other French Canadian in the NHL to stop diving.

Andrew Ference: For you to recycle.

Zdeno Chara: To stop getting penalties for being bigger and stronger.

Benoit Pouliot: A contract stating he gets to play on Chris Kelly’s wing until one of them retires.

Shawn Thortnon: A muzzle for Felger.

Daniel Paille: For his scoring touch to stick around.

Joe Corvo: To learn how to handle forwards over 185 lbs.

Steve Kampfer: Ice time.

David Krejci: For Bruins fans to stop picking on him.

Nathan Horton: For whoever hid his timing to give it back.

Milan Lucic: For everyone not Brendan Shanahan to know who he is.

Chris Kelly: For Brad Marchand to talk about someone else in interviews.

Adam Mcquaid: His own Discover Card commercial.

Johnny Boychuk: To learn how to skate backwards.

Tim Thomas: Mustache wax.

Tuukka Rask: More starts and an appearance on 24/7.

Marc Savard: His 500th NHL assist.

Tyler Seguin: An alarm clock.

Greg Campbell: For everyone to forget who his father is.

Rich Peverley: A nickname other than Perv.

Jordan Caron: NHL playing time.

Claude Julien: More of the same, only better.

Peter Chiarelli: A second round pick.

Cam Neely: Not having to answer silly media questions.

Happy Holiday’s!

In a mid morning press release the National Hockey League announced the All Star game would have a few updates to make it more media friendly. Sidney Crosby would automatically be selected as the Captain of both teams. To ensure maximum safety of the players every other player would be replaced by high school (baseball) players, and the non-Crosby player votes would decide what jersey’s the youngsters would wear while playing on one of the teams.

Further highlights of the release include:

  • Pierre McGuire will be the only interviewer allowed to talk directly to Crosby.
  • The teams will be designated Team Sid and Team Crosby.
  • Sidney Crosby himself will wear a hybrid jersey that shows both logos and team colors.
  • Announcers will not be allowed to use the name of any other player in the NHL, unless it refers to Crosby taking the puck from them, skating around them or beating them to score.
  • To alleviate potential confusion by fans as to which jersey they want, only Sidney Crosby’s All Star jersey would be available.
  • No  other players, coaches, general managers, or owners will be available for interviews during the four day festivities.
  • To better align with the NHL’s marketing and training the game will be retitled the NHL One Star Game Featuring Sidney Crosby. All previous literature should be discarded, recidivists will be shot and have their press passes revoked.

I spoke with NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman who said he had just one short statement to make for the record. Here it is in it’s entirety.

“CROSBY!”

All questions regarding the disposition of the Phoenix Coyotes, the brutalization of Boston fans by Habs fans at a recent game, what it means to the NHL to have stable ownership for the Dallas Stars with the repeated incantation “Crosby“. After about the seventh repetition of this rapturous prayer tears of joy could be seen streaming down the Commissioners face. Similarly, questions as to how the recent resurgence of the Columbus Blue Jackets, and the dominance of the Minnesota Wild received one word answers.

Reports of other games having played on the night of Crosby’s return were greeted with chilly stares by NHL operatives. Senior Public Information Minister Dan Rosen greeted the rumors of other players being worth enjoying with a sneered “Where are they all then, Area 51?”. He went on to proclaim “We are the National Hockey League, our marketing is the Best! You will like who we tell you to like, read the five stories we regurgitate about the same handful of players and be grateful we provide you with the only information you need. You Will RESPECT MY Authority!”

When he was asked how the return of the Messiah would affect his job league disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan (recently retitled Arch-Bishop-Captain of Protection of the Messiah’s Guard) said they have instituted two new rules to better protect his holiness. 1) No opposing player shall approach within three feet of Crosby, any player who does so will be subject to an automatic 15 minute major penalty (time to only elapse while Crosby is on the ice) and may be subject to additional supplemental discipline. First time offenders would start with a minimum seventy five game suspension. 2) All opposing players, and team mates Crosby didn’t like who made physical contact with Crosby would receive a five season suspension from the NHL, no possible appeal.

I’ve been hard at work culling this list of suggestions from the thousands rolling around on Twitter today. Please not as this isn’t a scientific poll you may have seen different names.

10: Winnipeg Claim Jumpers

9: Manitoba Moose (apparently they expect interchangeable quality with the AHL franchise of the same name.)

8:  Canadian Carpetbaggers

7: Atlanta Spirit Gift

6: Seattle’s Future Team

5: Mrs Pronger’s New Least Favorite Market

4: Manitoba Free Agent-less

3: Jets (a name even the old owner didn’t like)

2: Here ’til the Looney Goes Down

1: Vultures

Mario Lemieux’s Pittsburgh Penguin’s have undergone quite the facelift today. In addition to name naming the frequently thought of Matt Cooke an Alternate Captain, a position teams use to reward and publicly back the behavior of players of special merit and talent, they added three new off ice positions.

 

Donald Brashear
has been brought on board to help teach important hockey skills. When contacted by PuckSage.com and asked about the specifics of his position he had this to say

“Well, I’ll be teaching guys important stuff. One of the things I want to focus on is stick use, I remember my first hockey stick as a pro, it lasted me six and half years. I’d still be using it if it hadn’t fallen out of the bus when one of the equipment guys slipped on some ice. You see some guys like Ovechkin through four or five sticks a game, not me. I took my one shot on goal every two weeks and made sure I didn’t scuff the tape. But I’m really excited to be back in the NHL, I think Mr. Lemieux’s bringing me into the front office really says a lot about where this franchise is headed.”

Among the other new faces is arguably the greatest goalie in NHL history, Patrick Roy. Mr Roy is remembered by many Quebecers for his time as the backbone of the Montreal Canadiens. The rest of the NHL’s fans remember him for his stomping into the general managers office on a day he couldn’t stop a beach ball and blaming the coach for things while demanding a trade. Courts and law enforcement remember him for encouraging his son to continue pummeling a prone and unresisting player on another team, a smaller kid who wanted no part of the fight anyway while coaching the Quebec Remparts. Saint Patrick as he’s known to many Canadiens fans will be teaching monthly seminars on self control, and coping mechanisms to Penguins prospects.

The last of the new faces is Ulf Sammuelson. Sammuelson who’s sons have taken up the family trade is titled “Detached Coach in Charge of On Ice Decorum” and will be relying heavily on footage of the play of Matt Cooke to complete his duties. Boston Bruin’s President Cam Neely was said to be “overcome” at the news, former teammate and Boston Assistant General Manager Don Sweeney was seen checking prices for flights to Pittsburgh but was unavailable for comment.

Unconfirmed rumors point to attempts to recruit prominent NFL quarterbacks Ben Rothlesberger and Michael Vick to conduct monthly seminars and week long summer courses on sexual propriety and animal husbandry. More when we can confirm these.

Early this morning in press release via his agent multiple record holding goalie Martin Broduer called for the New Jersey Devils to claim soon to be former Minnesota Viking Randy Moss.

“Well, Moss is a guy with great hands, he knows what to do with a pass and once he gets open there is just no catching him.” Are among the reasons MB30 listed for picking up the talented but troubled player.

He went on to say: “I have no concerns about Moss’s locker room cancer reputation. Afterall, cancer attacks only living things and there’s no life in that room unless its four legged.”

Martin did acknowledge that their might be some issues teaching the wide receiver to skate but in his words “that Russian kid, and that dude with a name longer than his stick can skate but it hasn’t done them any good this year.”

In what I believe to be the two key reasons for the call for reinforcements Brodeurs statement wraps up with: “Lastly, I was pleased to see Randy Moss acknowledge the great coaches he’s had, frankly its been so long since I’ve had one I’ll need help knowing when to listen again. Also, I think one of the huge contributions Randy can make on the ice is one no one has mentioned yet, he could be able to talk enough guff to shut that twerp Sean Avery up.”